So, my youngest is begins his third year of college. His second away from home. It’s time to think about me now. Everyone says so! Easier said than done.
Another attempt at living alone.
I know I can do it. In fact, I really enjoy the alone time…when I want it. Problem is the youngest came home for the summer, and while he wasn’t in the room with me all the time, I knew he was around. However, it is more than likely the last time he will be back. Oh sure, I will see him at holidays. Maybe. But, I doubt he will ever live under my roof full-time again. That is the way it should be, but I dread it.
So far, living alone has had a limited time line to it. He’ll be back at Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then Spring Break, etc. But now, I realize that I have to do something about it if I don’t want to be “alone” in my house or any other way for the rest of my life. That is downright intimidating and scary to contemplate. I have been single for 20 years. Sounds awful when I think about it that way.
Many of my friends wonder, “why?” Well, me too, actually. LOL
Sadly, I do know. It was a choice. I believe I needed to be there for my children. I am glad I was. I saw, and still see, many single mothers spending so much time chasing another relationship that they miss enjoying the one right in front of them…with their kids! My children also saw how often their father changed/es mates, e.g., he’s on wife number 4 now. I don’t want them to think relationships are disposable, even with all the evidence to the contrary in their lives.
The thought of dating scares the hell out of me.
It literally makes my brain freeze and words seize my throat closed! I have dated only two people for any length of time in my life. One in high school and the other during college. I was engaged to the first one, broke up my freshman year of college, then married the second one after a year engagement when I was 22.
I’ve been on a total of two dates in the last 20 years and believe they were both disasters. Why? I wasn’t ready. And, I have no idea how to act. Both of my previous relationships began out of friendships. I didn’t have to try them on in front of a bunch of people first. I already knew we got along and had things in common. Now that I am no longer in my 20s, I have no idea how you go about the process of meeting people, much less how it goes forward to any next step. I am a novice and it shows. My lack of comfortableness is a neon sign, I am sure. Sure, my marriage burned me, but it isn’t why I haven’t dated. It’s me and my inability to just let things happen and have no control over the outcome. The unknown. It is like space…the final frontier. Too bad I am not the Starship Enterprise and prepared for the mission. I know. I need help.
Until next time.
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